Two Things Can Be True at the Same Time
You can feel happy and you can feel hopeless. You can worry and you can worship. You can be facing death, dealing with death, and still not be in total despair. Because God is still good.
At the top of May, I declared that it would be a month of miracles.
And it has been. But it has also been a month of grief.
On May 11th, I lost my cousin, Roconia Canard Hollaway, Sr. He was not just my cousin. He was my big brother. The one our entire family loved and adored in a way that is genuinely hard to put into words. And losing him has been one of the hardest things I have ever carried. I have dealt with death before. But never in my direct bloodline. Never this close. And so this has been different in ways I am still finding language for.
The week he passed, the family did not stop. We rallied around his youngest daughter, who was graduating. She had been in a dual enrollment program and had earned her associate's degree. Her dad had made it to her awards program. He was there. But he was not able to make it to her high school graduation the following week. And so that week, everything went toward making sure she walked across that stage. Making sure she attended her awards program. Making sure she went to graduation practice. Making sure she graduated. We threw her a brunch. We celebrated her the way her father would have wanted.
And then the very next week, we planned and executed his funeral.
That is what grief and faith look like in real life. You do not always get to choose when life asks you to hold two things at once. You just hold them.
Even in the middle of all of this, God has been moving. Someone close to our family who was hurting is getting ready to receive a new heart. Someone who had been wronged is watching the justice system finally begin to work on their behalf. Miracles and grief, sitting right next to each other at the same table.
Two truths can exist at the same time.
You can feel happy and you can feel hopeless. You can worry and you can worship. You can be facing death, dealing with death, and still not be in total despair. Because God is still good. He is still blessing us even in the moments when we feel like He has forgotten about us. Even when we are asking Him, how could you allow this? What did we do? How are you good right now? He is still God. And He is still moving.
I know because I have been asking those questions since May 11th. Some of the only prayers I could get out were, God, how could you do this? Why would you allow this? What did he do to deserve this? And even in the middle of those questions, something in me kept saying, God, I still have hope. I still trust you. I still believe you.
That yin and yang, in my spirit, in my mind, in my emotions, even physically in my body, has been the most real and raw experience of faith I have ever walked through.
So if you are in your own version of this right now, whether it is the grief of losing someone, the grief of losing a job, the grief of not being where you thought you would be at this point in the year, the regret of not calling more or not doing more, of giving up on the vision too soon or quitting the relationship too quickly, I want to give you something to hold onto.
First, be honest about how you feel.
Be honest about where you feel it in your body. Be honest about what those feelings actually look like. Is it grief over missing a person? Is it grief over a lost opportunity? Is it regret? Sit with those feelings. Allow yourself to feel all the things. Grief and emotions come in waves. They come and go. They do not follow a schedule and they do not ask permission. So give yourself the space and the time to feel all of it. You do not have to be okay. You do not have to perform strength right now.
Second, ask for what you need even if you do not know exactly what that is.
Prayer is good. Phone calls and texts are good. But if someone asks what they can do, get specific. Tell them you do not have the energy to cook and ask them to send a meal delivery gift card or order you dinner. Ask them to book a house cleaner. Ask them to watch the kids for a day. Ask them to just sit on the phone with you. Ask them to take a walk with you. There are so many ways to be supported beyond people just saying they are praying for you. And there is nothing wrong with receiving it. Stop pushing through saying you are okay when you are falling apart. That is not strength. That is self-abandonment.
Third, watch for the distractions.
When we are grieving, when we are depressed or anxious or heartbroken, that is when the enemy comes in. He will send people, places, and things to pull you off of your post. Maybe it is returning to drinking or smoking. Maybe it is running back to a relationship that did not serve you. Maybe it is old tendencies, old thought patterns, old cycles that you worked so hard to break. Look for them. Name them. Work against them.
I will be transparent. I am in the middle of finishing my book. I am in the final stages, the photo shoot, rewriting the acknowledgments, the thank yous. And two of the people I had already named in those thank yous have passed away since I wrote them. And when my cousin passed, I looked at everything I had been building and felt, for a moment, what is even the point.
That is the enemy. Not the grief. The grief is real and it is valid. But the voice that says what is the point, that is a distraction. And I recognized it. Because the closer you get to God and to your assignment, the harder the enemy will work to knock you off course. He plays on our emotions. He plays on our thoughts. He plays on our vulnerabilities. And right now I am in one of the most vulnerable places I have ever been in my life. So I am watching.
Fourth, press into the Word and into prayer even harder.
Psalm 90:12 says, teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. We all know we have time because we are alive. None of us know how much. And that is exactly why this season, as hard as it is, is a clarifying one.
Press in. Find your anchor scriptures. Hold onto them. We are heading into our corporate prayer and fasting time June 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. Start preparing your heart now. Come into that fast ready to say, God, I have been knocked off my post. I have been thrown off. But You already said You have a hope and a future for me. Good things, prosperous things. So I believe You. I trust You. And I am submitting the rest of this year back to You. My mind. My will. My emotions. My soul. All of it.
May was a month of miracles. It was also a month of tears. Both were true at the same time.
And God was in both.
"The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit." Psalm 34:18 (KJV)
He has not forgotten you. He has not forgotten me. And He is not done with this year.
Rest in peace, Rocinia. We love you and we will carry you with us. 🖤
Maleeka Hollaway is the founder of SAVEDpreneur Media and Lead and Influence. She writes from real life, real faith, and real experience. Follow her at SAVEDpreneur.com.
