How Did We Get Here? What We Were Never Taught About Love

A Conversation Everyone Is Having

If you spend any amount of time scrolling through your favorite social media app, you will quickly discover that conversations about love and the state of relationships are everywhere. Beneath all the noise, however, the message is surprisingly consistent.

Women are hurting.
Men are hurting.

Each is trying to bring their wounds into the light in hopes that healing might finally take place. Yet no one seems to be listening to the other, because everyone is waiting for their own pain to be acknowledged and validated. Every post, every podcast, every video becomes an offering — or a plea — for love that has somehow gotten lost in translation.

At times, it seems that podcasts and social media have become the resounding gong and clanging cymbal that Paul referenced in his letter to the church of Corinth.

An Old Question in a Modern World

The Corinthians lived in a time of great awakening when many pagans were converting to Christianity. They brought with them traditions from their former lives that stood in stark contrast to the basic tenets of the faith. Marriage was often a means of creating a legacy and passing along wealth; love was rarely part of the equation. The people were asking questions that required answers.

And here we are, two thousand years later, asking the very same question:

How did we get here?

The answer isn’t as simple as pointing fingers at men or women. The truth is that many of us inherited ideas about love that were shaped by survival rather than intention. Our parents did the best they could with the knowledge and opportunities they had. They passed along what they believed would protect us in a world that wasn’t designed for us to succeed. But protection and preparation are not always the same thing. Somewhere between independence and partnership, between provision and tenderness, we lost the language for how men and women are meant to live, love, and build together.

What We Were Taught About Love
We have a generation of women who were told that their books were their boyfriends and to make sure they never had to depend on a man for anything. We have a generation of men who watched their mothers carry the weight of the household on their shoulders, and now they expect their partners to do the same.

​If we sat down and had an honest conversation with our parents, we might discover regrets about what was taught and modeled for us.

Mothers who didn’t have the freedom to design the lives they truly desired — because their security depended upon the support and approval of a man — didn’t want the same fate for their daughters. So, they taught them they didn’t need a man, whether expressly stated or not. For some, the sentiment was the same — work hard so that you never have to be dependent on a man for survival. So, we worked hard and stacked our paper. We quieted the longing for a mate altogether or settled for someone who chose us, as if we didn’t have a choice in the matter.

Fathers whose lives were often void of any acts of kindness or tenderness believed the way to show love was simply by providing a roof over their family’s heads and meals on the table. They often brought the stress of trying to create a life and be seen as equal into the homes. The homes became battlegrounds instead of a place of solace. And when the pressure of being seen as merely a provider became too much to bear, many of them chose to seek comfort in the arms of women who weren’t their wives or to walk away altogether. Their impressionable sons were watching, and many of them emulated what was modeled unconsciously.

And somewhere along our journey toward success in our careers and businesses, we were never formally taught how to love — or how to live in harmony with one another.

We lost sight of one of the most fundamental parts of life: experiencing it in partnership.

For most of us, the pursuit of success required focus, discipline, and lots of sacrifice. We were taught how to design businesses, nurture teams, and create financial stability. We learned strategies for growth, leadership, and productivity. But we were rarely placed in environments that taught the importance of building a healthy relationship to support the success we had in other areas of life. We thought that love would simply fall into place or knock on the doors of our hearts in the same way that opportunities in business do. But to thrive, relationships need the wisdom and intention we apply everywhere else. Without these very necessary elements, even the most skilled people can find themselves confused about why success in other areas hasn’t led to success in love.

When Success Doesn’t Translate to Love

This column is dedicated to the Christian entrepreneur who has carved out success in nearly every area of life.

The bank account.
The house.
The cars.
The vacations.

Except the one area that hasn’t come as easily has been romantic relationships.​Together, we will explore what it means to invite another imperfect person into our lives and hearts in pursuit of a love that is whole and eternal. We will identify how you were created to give, receive, and recognize love — divinely. We will discover that the same principles that help us build successful careers and thriving businesses can also guide us in building successful relationships.
Maybe the better question is not just how we got here, but what we will choose to do differently from this point forward.

It is time to get down to business — the business of love.

Because when it comes to love, the decisions we make shape everything we build.